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9am games:
White Sox vs. Marlins: Having not played early morning wiffles since a certain tournament in Illinois some years back, Coop and Al arrive at the field unable to focus on the game as they call out for some hairy fella named “Trapper”. The Marlins take advantage of this weakness early on as Amon’s aggressively douchebag baserunning helps the Fish out to an early lead. However, TwoBat buckles down after feeling the effects of the Smirnoff Watermelon Ice he’d been sipping on all morning and Amon becomes a victim of his own aggressiveness in the last inning after Bucknering a ground ball. Coop ran past, yelling “speed kills, bitches!” and the Sex went on to a 5-4 walkoff win. Amon would go on to blame the newly shorn turf at Pilot Knob, saying “I didn’t know it would come at me THAT fast!” We all know it’s because his arms were too short to reach the scorching grounder off the bat of Pork Buoy.

Dodgers vs Expos: The X, already plowed and having been drinking in Yo’s garage since 4 that morning, weren’t sure if they were hallucinating when they saw the Dodgers on the same field. Thinking it was all a mirage, the gleeful eXpos played it like it was X-Fest. Trouble was, the Dodgers did not, and sadly mercied the intoXicated Eaganites, 11-1 in 5 innings. Shortly after, the Dodgers left en masse, causing mass hysteria with the league brass. Turns out, they just went to the Super America because Trans Am needed to load up on Crisco, Bardol and Vagisil for his next start.

Mets vs. Yankees: The Subway series-- literally. Truck and JP chow on 5 pounds of Subway breakfast as their teammates go through pregame warmups. Facing his old mates in the playoffs, Truck is virtually useless, putting up a goose egg. With the Mets down by one heading to the last inning and the tying and winning runs on base, Yo scorches a grounder up the middle. Just as it seemed it would make the wall and two runs would score, out of nowhere comes Ashley, who (with an assist from the morning dew, making the field a virtual slip’ n slide) would make an amazing diving stop, sending him through and under the makeshift outfield fencing and the Yankees bench into a maelstrom of intensity in a 3-2 win. Jabrone was heard to have asked a few minutes after the game was over: “Who’s leading off this inning?”

Twins vs. Colt 45’s: After a drawn out last-ditch attempt to work a trade with the Indians for Seibs to try and replicate last year’s Cinderella run in the playoffs, TT was advised by his legal team to “just go out there and play with who you have”. With their best pitcher Wole out, the Colts struggle as a hung-over group of Twins walk all over them, 12-5. K-Mart, citing the fact that he was dangerously close to leading the league in nose hair, pulled himself from the game in the 4th inning. Of note, a hobbled Priest nearly stepped on a leprechaun during pregame stretches, turns out it was Deuce making “snow angels” in the dewy grass. Ouch.

10:30am games:
Orioles vs. A’s: As nice as the Orioles are, the know it’s playoff time, and the A’s are just a green ‘n yellow speed bump. In the battle of vowels, the A’s win 14-2 in 4 innings. Um, not really much else to say here.

Cubs vs. Blue Jays: Feeding of the excitement that they were the SECOND to last seed in this year’s playoffs (not the last), the Jays teamed with Dr. Leo Marvin with another shameless promotion in mind to give away autographed copies of the famous book “Baby Steps”. A dreadful misunderstanding took place when Jays GM Vlade mistakenly ordered 5 pallets of the book to give away, not 5 copies. The bulky shipment not only took up tons of space at the park, the delivery truck also put tire divots through their field, costing the upset-minded Jays a potential win when a routine grounder to ShamWow took a horrible hop up over his head and over the wall, bringing in the winning run as the Cubs barely survive by a 7-6 count.

Red Sox vs Giants: In a gargantuan upset, the Giants defeat the Sox, 7-3, on Dr. K’s strong pitching. JC had every his and every RBI for the Giants. Post-game banter in the Sox clubhouse featured Tugboat saying “A loss in the first game of a double elimination tournament? Bitch, please. We got this.” A cold wind blew through the park shortly thereafter.

Astros vs. Pirates: A collective “meh” could be heard around Pilot Knob as the more focused Astros defeated the Pirates, 6-1. The source of the “meh” was apparently the Pirates’ bench. When asked about this, Ten offered only “meh,” followed by “I like wiffle ball.”

The rest of the bracket (I'm too tired to write anymore):

Noon games:
Mets over A's
Red Sox over Marlins
Expos over Pirates
Blue Jays over Colts

1:30 games:
Orioles over Yankees
White Sox over Giants
Astros over Dodgers
Cubs over Twins

3:00 games:
Yankees over Blue Jays
Expos over Giants
Red Sox over Dodgers
Twins over Mets

4:30 games:
Orioles over White Sox (Orioles advance!)
Cubs over Astros (Cubs advance!)
Red Sox over Twins
Yankees over Expos

6:00 games:
Red Sox over Astros (Red Sox advance!)
White Sox over Yankees (White Sox advance!)

(and I guess as the higher seeded loser of the last 2 games, the Astros would also advance!)
Posted in: HRL

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