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08

As with all other Free Agency Periods, or FAPs, if you will, there have been some moves that surprise, some that leave you a little misty-eyed, and even then some that leave you wondering just how the f*ck that could have happened.

I’m going to go thru the notable moves to date after one full week of the HRL FAP.  Please to enjoy.

End of the line for the Red Sox:
We all know that this league won’t be around forever, and on a smaller scale, that the teams within this league also won’t be around forever.  So it is with sadness that the long time league powerhouse Red Sox are finally shutting it down after nine glorious seasons.  Riding off into the sunset will be Tugboat, Edgar, and Martini.  There just aren’t enough words to express how much these guys have meant to the league over the years.  Too many memories to count, lots of huge moments and second place finishes.  Guys like Tuggy and Edgar really deserve their own articles to properly express what they’ve meant to the league for so long.

Ex-Sox, The Man, Dr. Jesus, and Dirty Steve all opted to jump on to the free agent list and find another team to play with.

As for the Red Sox team name, it will be retired alongside the Royals, Brewers and Indians and will not be used again.  The Sox had an incredible run, playing for The Cup in all but one of their nine seasons (2007).  They were league champs in 2006 and 2010, and were part of some epic World Series versus the Reds in 2008 and 2009, and most recently the Gothams in 2012 and 2013.



Turmoil in Colts camp?
We were treated to a lovely retirement presentation for Dutch during Wifflepalooza back in September, so it was merely a formality when the Colt .45’s announced this at the open of the FAP.  Things were rough for the 45’s all year to the point where they were practically getting homeless people off the streets to come and stand in right field for them, so when team captain TT bailed and jumped into the free agent mix, that left new team captain Westy left standing with his gun holster around his ankles.  However, we’ve got it on good authority that the .45’s are working hard at stabilizing their team’s roster for 2014.



R-words:  Rockies are now the Rays:
Though we’re not sure if this team of skilled youngsters are going to go by the Rays or the Devil Rays, the Rockies are no more.  Word is Vlade, who held the rights to the name, was paid off in Moosehead and Just For Men beard dye that was taken from one of the Rockies’ players dads.

Wasting no time:
Both the as-yet nicknameless Mat Peisert (formerly of the A’s) and TT wasted no time getting on new rosters, as Mat joined forces with perennial contenders the Reds, and TT with perennial doormats, the Marlins.  Both seem like great fits.

Contraction:
Due to attendance that was beyond atrocious (with some forfeits sprinkled in there), both the Tigers and A’s franchises were folded.  Many players from both rosters are now available as free agents and may yet be merged to form a new squad, but as of now all are patiently biding their time to see if another teams asks them for their services.  We shall see how this plays out.

The X try this free agency thing out:
It’s amazing to think that after X (10) seasons, the eXpos have never brought in a player from another team as a free agent.  They’ve always promoted internally from their once seemingly bottomless pit of wiffle prospects.  Finally, they have relented and signed a guy that seems to fit the X’s way of doing things:  former Red Sox Dr Jesus!  In a show of solidarity, the good Doctor even has changed his name to Dr. Xesus (though it will still be pronounced the same way).  When asked his opinion of this splashy new move and shift in roster-building strategy, one former eXpo simply said, “Hartski NEVER would have done that.”



Hollywood Heaslip:
In what was probably the worst-kept secret in the league since we found out Eddie Bauer had the crabs, the Braves made arguably their biggest free agent signing ever, bringing in Rian “The Man” Heaslip from the now-defunct Red Sox.  After some message board banter comparing this move to when Hulk Hogan once became a wrestling bad guy, the moniker Hollywood Heaslip was tossed out there and has seemed to take on a life of its own.  Whether or not the name sticks is yet to be determined, but there’s no doubt the Braves just got a whole lot better.

Cubs escape the brink of contraction by signing an old friend:
When the entire Cubs roster left Moneyshot holding the proverbial bag either by quitting the league or by joining free agency (ace pitcher Hardball among them), league brass was on the verge of pulling the plug on the franchise.  That is, until he was able to acquire the services of one Mike Patterson, who played in the league’s first season back in 2004 and moved away after that.  He was still to this day talked about as quite the character.  Mike P is now back and is bringing his brother in law with him, and also was able to sign another rookie by the name of Will Fisher.  With the team saved from extinction for another year, the team will look to add 2 or 3 more to solidify the roster.

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Comments

Wiffle Kevin
# Wiffle Kevin
Friday, November 8, 2013 9:28 AM
How did I not even get a shout out?
Wiffle Kevin
Friday, November 8, 2013 9:42 AM
I'm also signing with the Braves.
Wiffle Kevin
Friday, November 8, 2013 10:37 AM
Not funny doods. j/k I have lots of respect for this league.
Truck
# Truck
Friday, November 8, 2013 11:25 AM
Will the REAL wiffle kevin please stand up?
wiffle kevin
# wiffle kevin
Friday, November 8, 2013 7:52 PM
Both the w and the k are lowercase.

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