posted on March 05, 2005 16:55
originally posted by Kelly "The Inferno" Pieklo
Johnsonville Sausage, LLC
Sausage Development Group
PO Box 906
Sheboygan Falls, WI 53085
To Whom It May Concern:
Brats. Italian Sausage. L'il Smokies. Franks. Wieners. Braunschweiger. Foot Longs.
Call it what you like - there's no denying the fact that nothing goes better with a good time than a good sausage.
As I'm sure you're well aware, the sausage is a cultural icon, the "Elvis" of the sports food industry, if you will. Travel these United States and you'll see – who isn't eating a bratwurst for breakfast in the lot before a Packers game? Who shant down a Chicago-style frank with the token fluorescent-green relish while watching the Cubbies lose. Again. Who wouldn't devour a Dome Dog during the Twins race for the pennant? I think we both know the answer to these questions – not a soul.
But that's just the Midwest! Boston's Fenway Frank, Oakland's Colossal Dog, LA's Dodger Dog. Sources close to me have recently informed me that hot dogs are launched into the crowd via a hydraulic cannon at Pittsburgh Pirates games! Yar! Shiver me timbers!
But I digress - I need not educate you on the vast domestic, nay, worldwide reach of the sausage; I'm sure the Johnsonville Sausage Archives hold a plethora of information on not only the past history, but also the present status, and the future of the sausage.
I write you today with heavy heart. The reason?
My companions and I have a concern; a concern so great that we fear the future of the sausage might indeed be in jeopardy.
Pray tell, what new product has the sausage industry offered to its faithful over the last decade? What new sausages have recently taken the market by storm? Let us not speak of the fancy imported chorizo, or the low-carb chicken basil pesto sausages that have infected our local market's refrigerated meat aisles. Where is the true sausage industry headed?
I fear it's headed for a downward spiral, a slippery meat slope not all that different from the Pit of Carkoon on the planet Tatooine – once you've lost your footing, there's no escaping Sarlacc. Try as you might, it's only a matter of time….you're done for.
That being said, I write you with an idea. An idea that could quite possibly change the sausage industry. Forever.
Earlier I spoke of the link betwixt sausages and sports – "Could this be the missing 'link'?" I wondered. "Could it be this simple?!" I immediately called an emergency brainstorming session with the most elite sausage connoisseurs of the Home Run League: Twin Cities Wiffleball League.
WADU is coming up with many different prototype sausages, incliding these wiffle sausage balls.
My crack staff of analysts at the HRL:TC Wiffleball HQ, located in Eagan, MN, have broken the code – in order for the sausage industry to breed a new, better sausage, a sausage-friendly sport - different from those sports that already embrace the sausage in it's existing forms - must first offer it's official sausage status to accommodate the new variety.
We hereby declare the pre-named "Wifflewürst" the Official Sausage of Wiffleball.
The HRL:TC would like to work closely with Johnsonville's finest sausage engineers to create this decade's latest, and might I add most innovative, original sausage. Presently, we are in the process of weeding out candidates to head up our own Wifflewürst Action Development Unit, or WADU for short. This task force should be ready for action within 4 weeks.
As I write, my organization is contacting wiffleball establishments from coast to coast to help push this Wifflewürst mandate forward; to make it a priority in their own towns, in their own clubs. In their homes. These associations include, but are not limited to, The Wifflehouse, the Hastings Major Wiffleball League, Wiffleball2k.com, the League of Extraordinary Wiffleballers, and the New England Wiffleball Association.
All of this, in the name of sausage.
We eagerly await your thoughts on this project. It is, after all, sausage history in the making. And let us make this history…..together! Forward!
Kelly "The Inferno" Pieklo
4053 22nd Avenue South
Minneapolis, MN 55407