posted on April 19, 2011 15:07
After a completely poor showing at the turnstiles with last year's promo nights, the Jays marketing staff has regrouped this offseason and come up with a new strategy for this year's promos...
Lower the bar.
It is with that in mind we half-heartedly present this array of lackluster promo nights (with the exception of August 11 which will be HUGE):
April 25 vs. Twins: Opening Day
It’s Opening Day! That’s great, but once this game is over, how will you be able to know where and when your favorite HRL team plays throughout the season? Sure, you could check the website to find out when the BJ’s play next, but computers are so complicated and heavy, and they have a lot cords! What if you fell in a tub filled with water while trying to view it?
The first 5 fans attendance for their Opening Day contest against the Twins will receive a handy (and light) Blue Jays pocket schedule! View all of their games and promo nights without fear of electrocution!
May 26 vs. A’s: Eddie Bauer Bat Night
Have you ever seen Ted Williams swing a bat? It’s a thing of beauty. It’s poetry in motion.
Have you ever seen Eddie Bauer swing a bat? It’s just the opposite. It’s like watching Charlie Sheen trying to ballet dance. It’s vile. It’s a complete and utter train wreck.
The first 5 fans to celebrate this atrocity with the Blue Jays will receive a commemorative Eddie Bauer bat with distinctive Eddie Bauer logo and the forest green with tan signature we’ve all come to despise.
The only redeeming aspect of this night will be that the A’s will also be there.
June 6 vs. White Sox: JAYGO!
Many of you have likely been to the Metrodome or Target Field and found yourself playing “TWINGO” – the bingo style baseball game in which you mark off boxes based on the plays on the field.
They stole the idea from us. It’s called JAYGO, not TWINGO. TWINGO has too many letters anyway, Twins! Get your crap together!
All fans in attendance will receive a JAYGO card which will give them the opportunity to win prizes!* Please note that while there is no “free space” on the cards, the center square on each of them will say “ShamWow Strikes Out”, so… ya know…
July 17 vs. X: Canada Cup II
This is not as much of a “promotional night” as it is a “bloodthirsty wiffle battle to the death”. The Canada Cup resides with the Blue Jays after a 3-0 sweep of the X in 2010. The X will be seeking their revenge as they travel to Hopkins in attempt to take their first drink from the glorious protective cup mounted atop. All fans in attendance are encouraged to bring Bryan Adams CD’s, Kokanee beer, and a slab of back bacon. Cheer on your favorite team of hosers as they vie for the Canada Cup!
August 11 vs. Red Sox: Blue Jays Hall of Fame Induction Night
Having completed two memorable seasons in the HRL, the Blue Jays feel that it’s important to recognize key contributors to the success of the ballclub. There have been many great players that have donned the BJ’s jersey over the years…
Wait, that’s not correct. There haven’t been any great BJ players. In fact, it’s really just the opposite. They’ve all been horrific.
That’s not to say there haven’t been key contributors to the franchise, however. On this night, we will recognize the contributions of a man who will forever be ingrained in the minds of the Jays and their fans alike, for it was this man – this brave individual – who toed the mound on the evening of May 21, 2009. His line for the evening was as follows:
6 IP, 10 H, 7 R, 3 K, 0 BB
It was on this warm spring evening the Jays finally played a game that wasn’t awful enough to lose, and notched their first win in franchise history. Their noble pitching foe that evening was man who brought joy to Blue Jay fans nationwide, so it is with profound love and respect that the Blue Jays are proud to induct the inaugural member into the HRL Blue Jay Hall of Fame… Brian “Dr. Jesus” Zinnel!
Join us to celebrate this long overdue accomplishment with a complementary Jameson and Ginger, and a toast to the man who will always be one of the great Blue Jay heroes!
*Prizes have yet to be determined. It will likely be some crap, probably with a Blue Jays logo on it.