The equipment in question

(originally submitted by Megan Cota)

Saint Paul -- The HRL's Padres have apparently been caught juicing redhanded.  In exclusive photos which accompany this article members of the Padres including Jim "Westy" West, Lawrence "Cheezy" Storey, John "Nine" Tillander and Bryan "Shirls" Shirley all can be seen indulging in and in some cases reveling in forbidden juicing activity.

The illicit substances in question

This reporter had learned from an unnamed source that the Padre capitan had been humiliated by back to back first round losses in the playoffs in which his normal pitching abilities seemed to go out the window. Many theories persisted as to why the Padres could mount such effective regular season showings yet be utterly flaccid in the playoffs. Were the Padres too old?  Their average age is higher than that of the rest of the HRL playoff regulars.

This reporter learned from unnamed Shakopee sources that the Padres set off looking for a magic fix to their playoff ills. Looking to major league baseball, they evidently saw many examples of the impact that an offseason juicing regimen could have on an aging player's constitution.  Since the Padres are themselves old they determined that juicing may aid their recovery time from the normal soreness which accompanies an HRL event. 

Busted:  Nine and Westy caught in the act!

The HRL has learned that Padre hirelings made arrangement with the Jack LeLanne corporation to acquire the best juicing materials available.  Since juicing materials are not available in stores, the Padres sought their juicing apparatus via the internet. 

An anonymous tip led this reporter to the perimeter of Padre headquarters one recent evening where a telephoto lens was able to secure the following pictures.  As the photos clearly indicate, members of the Padres are using the LeLanne apparatus to juice in a variety of ways.

Despite the clear evidence of Padre juicing, it is unclear whether there can even be any punishment for this brazen act. Current HRL bylaws apparently do not forbid a player from juicing. Thus, the sneaky Padres may get away with their blatant disregard for the sanctity of the game.


Posted in: Phillies

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