Posted by Dave Ubanks

[ed. note: It is unclear if the more pointed references in this article are meant to be taken seriously or as tongue-in-cheek.  Take it how you wish. The views of Mr. Ubanks are not necessarily those of the HRL: TC.]

After months of reading the HRL:TC Message board and checking the website I am ready to join the ranks of the HRL. Though there is still some debate as to what team I will end up with, league vice-commissioner "Sanchez" has indicated I have a good shot of joining the Senators.

[ed. note: Regardless of what you've heard, Sanchez is NOT the vice-commish.]

Little is known about this merry band of wiffle outsiders except this… they have come to play. Led by award winner Jamie "911" Baskerville we will be ready to take down some of the established teams with out balls-to-the-wall style of play and devil-may-care-attitude. I hope they are ready for Ubanks.

[ed. note: Also, regardless of what you've heard, Ubanks is NOT on the roster of the Senators.  Further information can be had by emailing the Commish.]

Looking at the 2005 season, us newbies will have a big hill to climb. But I've found that we can start to equalize the footing by studying the stat books. The best pitchers throw hard, really hard...and the best batters are left handed. I've already started to practice both playing styles for next season. I intend to be ready for spring training!  Apparently drinking a lot is the best way to win, as demonstrated by the Twins championship last season. I have already signed up for the "wine of the month club" to build up a tolerance.

Catching up on the message board postings has taken me months and I still don't understand all of the nuances and interpersonal dynamics but I have figured out that there is a definite hierarchy among its members. The board is dominated by a few personalities (kpieklo, truckhrl, sanchez, JWest, Kmart) who all seem to have their own agenda. Kmart obviously overcompensates for something. What could it be? kpieklo rips on JWest, JWest rips on Southy (who is also Sanchez and maybe Nick), Sanchez rips on Kmart, Kmart rips on Cota, Cota rips on Hendi, Hendi rips on Cota, and everyone rips on the new guys. Meanwhile, nobody rips on truckhrl, foolklr, or shirls!?!  I think I have found my calling!  I've learned you can't pussyfoot around in life. HRL's most dominating players are obviously equally respected on the board. Strikeouts and burns are held in equally high regard, as is homosexuality. Who knows where this season's posts will lead? Sit down and SHUT-UP bitch!

The on-the-field action looks to be just as complicated. The second place A's have disbanded leaving a gap in the league that needs to be filled. Who will it be? My money is on the Senators but others seem to disagree. 16 year old league analyst, Starting Goalie, seems to think that the Royals will pick up the slack. Confidentially, I think this is just a teenager kissing the ass of the Commissioner so that he can stay on the message board …a charge SG vehemently denies. The fashionable pick is the Hopkins Braves who dominated the 2004 regular season only to fall in the first round of the playoffs. They vow to return stronger than ever, and this wiffler sees no reason they will not.

Having read the rules there seems to be a lot of room for improvement. Subjective rules such as the "over the pitchers head" rule or the "pitching speed limit" just lead to arguments. I was not invited to the "winter meeting" but had I been there, I would have recommended changing these rules to avoid arguments. Also I think the The Gay K Rule is an insult to homos and should be abolished… or at least renamed.

Ubanks Out

Posted in: HRL

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