posted on June 22, 2004 18:00
You know my favorite thing about Wiffle ball?
That's right amigos. I like drinking. I like being around other people who drink. I like trying to hit sh*t while I'm drinking…and quite frankly, throwing sh*t when I'm drunk's fun too.
Imparting enough kinetic energy into a polypropylene sphere to induce a trajectory that results in approximately 0.0335 kilometers of displacement from its initial position is lame. (Duh. Everyone knows that.)
Smacking the piss out of a fat floater, while you're all tore up on booze, sending that sunda-bitch 110 feet DEEP, then stumbling around the bases a' hootin n' hollerin… Now son, that's something to write home about!
So, as a tribute to the most essential Reliever in the game, I thought I'd run down the list of some of my favorite (and least favorite) brews to drink while wifflin.
Magnum wiffle in Northern Michigan
#1. The Big Hitter: Magnum
Now I know some of you sheltered types didn't even know Magnum was something you could drink, and others think I'm talking about some retarded detective show. But I'm here to tell you that Magnum Malt Liquor is the BEST swill to swill when you're on the rink.
Cold; its flavor lets you know that you won't be remembering your name in the morning.
Warm; its quite reminiscent of stale centaur piss. Some may knock it for that attribute…but in my mind there's no greater motivator to keep your lips to that 40, than knowing what awaits if you leave it unattended for just a minute. Unconfirmed, it's rumored to have gotten its name from the condom size…which makes sense to me, cause this stuff makes you feel like a man inside and out. At $1.39 SRP, this is easily the best money can buy! The original Liquid Power!
#2. Double-Plus-Good: 8-Ball
Olde English 800 HG is a lot of things…but discrete isn't one of 'em. From the first gulp of this firewater, you know your sh*t's ruined. The bottle tells you it's 8% booze, and the blurred vision soon confirms it. Even though playing blind sounds like a disadvantage at first, this crap turns you into a young Luke Skywalker wielding a light saber. I've seen dudes crush wiffles a couple hundred YARDS after downing a few of these. Guys in mid puke-stream can still crank curve balls over the left field wall. It's simply amazing. Unfortunately, it tastes like how the inside of a frozen Tauntaun must smell, and is cost inflated thanks to EZ-E and gangsta wannabes everywhere.
#3. Niiiice: Icehouse
The only "regular" beer to make the list…but brother, it's far from ordinary! I have no idea where this stuff is bottled (probably Tibet), but I want to live there. When ya pop the top on one of these bad rides, it's like you're in a f'd up York Peppermint Patty commercial. A cool breeze hits your face, your senses heighten, nipples get hard, whole body goes erect…and that's before the booze even reaches your bloodstream. This stuff should be outlawed as a wiffle steroid. When I'm all dialed up with a sixer of Icehouse in me, I feel like a Yeti who's cruising the tundra looking for some Eskimo to beat the crap out of. Without any Inuits around, you're left to take out your frustrations on your seemingly hapless opponents. It's that monstrous.
Honorable mentions: Mickey's, Stroh's, PBR, and anything with a name that sounds like a ferocious animal (King Cobra, Red Dog, etc.)
I know it's sad to say, but not all swill is wiffle-worthy…so on to the bottom of the barrel.
#3. "E" for effort: Guinness
Now don't get me wrong…any time I'm in Killarny, it's a lovely day for a Guinness. Simply watching the sensual pouring of this drought into a tulip shaped pint glass is pure heaven. This is the nectar of gods, people! Drinking it alone can sustain life for well over a month. Unfortunately, having a couple pints for breakfast is entirely different than trying to slam this manna during a wiffle match. For as divine as a draft is, the bottled and (St. Paddy forbid) canned versions of this brew are as soulless as Donald Trump. Plus, this crap is so thick n' rich, it makes you feel like John Candy after choking down the last bit of gristle from the Ole 96'er. You won't want to run, you won't want to hit, and so you might as well just sit on the bench and take stats…and you'll even be uncomfortable doing that.
#2. No way, José: Corona
Take it from me…Avoid this stuff like the plague.
"When you're sliding into home and your pants are filled with foam…"
#1. Man's Bane!: Michelob ULTRA
Honestly, what the hell is this crap? Ale flavored Propel? We all know that nothing says, "I'm a wienie" more than a light beer…but an ULTRA-light? You gotta be kidding me!? I accidentally tried this stuff once and had to do a dick check quicker than you can say "Only 2.9 carbs!" Seriously, the Surgeon General's warning on this junk reads, "92% likely to induce vagina growth". Now that'll make any grown man cry. Looking to lose weight? Here's a tip: Skip lunch and drink a dozen REAL beers at the game. You'll cut down on saturated fat, develop a healthy buzz, and if you're really lucky; you might puke out those scary nasty calories before they go straight to your narcissistic butt. Save it for the ladies, we don't care what dress size you're down to.
Other "beers" that suck: Mike's Hard Anything, all light variations of good beer, and stuff that costs more than 75¢ a can.
Joe Lawrence is an HRL:TC writer as well as a player for the Brewers. Comments or questions can be addressed to Joe at the Message Board.