Pacino’s performance has inspired me to make some inside predictions of our market. 

Disclaimer: the words written here are for entertainment purposes only and any similarity to actual announcements is purely coincidental. No one has confirmed any plans to me, despite me trying to learn info.

Official offseason recap so far, based on the HRL website:

• The Wahoos and Tortugas have folded as franchises.
• The Americans, Marlins, Mets, and Rumbleponies have yet to confirm 2026 status.
• The Yankees recently confirmed they will return in 2026 after initial reports of folding.

Free agent list with my predictions

Stals (Tortugas) 

Stals had a solid rookie season. One anonymous league front office member said “he’s going to be really good and can pitch”. Stals would be a great investment with budding potential. Sleeper All Star for 2026. Best fit: New team in Hopkins with Mahomes & Mini Money.

Lil Mahomes (Yankees)

Get yourself a sure-handed Sticky Paw while you can. Plus, he can prolly beat you up. Stay tuned for his next boxing match. Best fit: New team in Hopkins with Stals & Mini Money.

Mini Money (Yankees)

Mini Money exploded last season and looks to continue his rise in a new organization. Based on his social media, he may not be satisfied with the market. Solution: start your own team (if you can)! Best fit: Start a new team with Stals and Mahomes in Hopkins.

Stache (Millers)

Rumor has it Stache shut down all inquiries from Eagan because of road construction. Stache is an all-around player and looks to rebound after a bit of a down year at the plate. Prediction: Biscuits

Sarge (Biscuits)

Last year’s playoff hero (highest team OBP and better batting average than Griz) explores free agency. I don’t think Fridley-based Chihuahuas or Wahoos will have space for him. Prediction: Package with Nightmare

Thunderson (Mets) 

I’d just like to have Thunderson in Eagan and this just feels like a natural Yankees fit. Also, what is happening to the Mets?? Prediction: Yankees

Abrams (Tortugas) 

I do not know much about Abrams. Best fit: Millers

Z Dog (Yankees) 

The Space Cowboys need some pitching help and Z Dog fits the bill. I could see Z Dog joining up on a new team that forms too. Prediction: Space Cowboys

Nightmare (Biscuits)

The Biscuits are crumbling. Nightmare is one of the best two-way players in the league and is shopping for a new team already, seemingly against his will. How do you fumble the greatest roster assembled in league history? Sad, sad franchise. Whoever gets Nightmare also gets 2030-2050 HRL MVP, Fortnite. Prediction: Wherever Web Gem goes, probably forming some new team in Hopkins

The Wish (Wahoos)

The Wish continues his tour of the league after 3 three years on the Wahoos. Apparently he was the glue that held the Wahoos together because the franchise has now folded. I think we all know where he is headed, but since he is Family I’m not going to spoil it. Prediction: 2026 Hopkins Champs

Web Gem (Loons)

Web Gem is another journeyman whose (who’s??) services are always appreciated. Was Web Gem kicked off the Loons to make space for Griz or did he leave voluntarily? That’s the real question. We can’t wait for stressed Web Gem at Wild Boar during the Wolves playoffs run next May! Prediction: Wherever Nightmare goes, probably new team in Hopkins

Griz (Biscuits)

No one was falling for his charade of considering Eagan. He joins his family on the Loons where he belongs, and I love to see it. Nothing beats family. First round playoff exit to the Aces next year though. Prediction: Loons

PNut (Blue Wahoos)

All you gotta do is check Discord on a random workday and you will see PNut, Smallpox, Stache, and Two Bat in the gaming channel. I think it might be time to PNut to team with Smallpox now that the Biscuits are down a hitter. Prediction: Biscuits

O' Bannion (Tortugas)

MNWA Legend O’Bannion. He should land on his feet. He’d fit in great with the Mariners, but they have a pretty full roster. Best fit: New team in Hopkins with Stals/Mahomes/Mini Money

Cherry (Tortugas)

Family. Easy prediction here. He’ll slot in as the Biscuits #2 pitcher. I think he is an easy Most Improved favorite for 2026. I haven’t seen him play much, but he will make a jump. Prediction: Biscuits

Shandy (Space Cowboys)

One of the most slept-on pitchers in the league. He discovered a new pitch in wifflepalooza last year which stymied the Vibes in the playoffs. His slider is also on par with the league meta, making him a key arm for a contender out there. I could see him leading the Reds, Mets, or Americans in a playoff run. However, Mets and Americans are both in question as franchises. Prediction: Reds

Dominic (Space Cowboys)

Sorry, but I do not know who you are. 4 games played last year. Prediction: Space Cowboys

HOV

Confirmed on a recent podcast that HOV is back in MN and currently a free agent. He’s an Eagan loyalist and would be an incredible addition for any team. Elite speed, star fielding, clutch bat, and playoff-winning pitcher. I initially thought a Seuss reunion made the most sense, but nah, Cowboys are perfect. Prediction: Space Cowboys

Every Remaining Blue Wahoos Player

T Sea, Shorts, Caveman Kershaw. Fridley crew sticking together. Prediction: Chihuahuas

Air Bud. Chihuahuas are too crowded now, so join the next logical team of Fridley guys. Prediction: Tourists

Antics. Prediction: Retirement / moving out of state, seemingly confirmed on Twitter

 

Unofficial Free Agents 

These players are not listed on the website but I am making some predictions anyways.

Keeks 

Keeks is Dumpy’s brother. Just like Griz to the Loons and Cherry to the Biscuits, we keep with the family theme. On a recent podcast, Aces manager Psych seemed to hint at adding a part-time player. Keeks goes to school in Boston and very well may be that part-time help.    Prediction: Aces

Taco

Alright, I’ll admit it. We got embarrassed in the World Series and I immediately texted Taco about his 2026 plans. He’s a bit cocky and brought nothing but bad vibes in our conversations about wiffleball. Good vibes talking about his amazing kid and plants though, the important things in life. Prediction: -10,000,000% chance of joining The Family. We don’t want bad vibes!

I’m just throwing this into the universe because I’d love to see it: Yankees/Americans merger. Rocket, H8R, Hal, Torpedo, Knooty, Lulu, Average Joe. Solid squad if Hal pitches every week. Hal may be busy building his dream home of out rocks tho. 

 

Takeaways

Here are what a few of my newly-predicted rosters look like:

Biscuits: Smallpox, Mippey (SP1), Cherry* (SP2), Pnut*, Stache*, Two Bat*

Loons: Cakes (SP1), Griz* (SP2), Babyface, Fishy, Grand Slam (Bud Larp)

Chihuahuas: Nickname (SP2), Murse, AJizz, T Frid, T Sea* (SP1), Shorts*, Caveman Kershaw*

Aces: Psych (SP1), Dumpy (SP2), Billy, Dodger Dave, Keeks* (SP3)

Tourists: Daddy (pays money for lessons from Aaron Judge’s hitting coach), Face (SP1), Air Bud* (SP2), C Word. Every one else is cut.

New Hopkins Team Predicted: Mini Money, Lil Mahomes, Stals, O Bannion, Baby T

New Hopkins Team Predicted / new look Mets: Nightmare, Web Gem, Taco, JC, Nightmare, Sarge, Charwall, Dox

*new addition